Relationships | 7 Principles Of Health | Tyler Tolman
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Today I’m talking about relationships or relation-‘shits’, if the case may be. 

A lot of us have relation-‘shits’ in our life that are quite toxic and lead to a lot of stress, pain and agony…living in a state of perpetual hell. If you have one of these relation-‘shits’, you know exactly what I’m talking about. 

I’m going to share with you an exercise that can potentially help to identify the key components to having a positive and healthy relationship. And I do believe that if we do have relation-‘shits’, we have the power to change it. 

Ultimately, if you put the time and the effort in, if you are willing, you can change it and/or you need to become very conscious of where you’re at and make a decision. 

Ask yourself, “Do I want to commit to this relation-‘shit’, change it into a relation-‘ship’ and have effective communication, compassion and all the loving qualities of a healthy relationship. Or has it gone too far and I need to move on?”

A lot of people need to have this ‘come to Jesus’ conversation with themselves and really get clear because our time here isn’t infinite. It is important that we evolve and move forward and bring forward our relationships. Like an actual ship that carries us across the ocean and waves of life, so we can get to the end of our lives having had the greatest experience knowing ourselves and growing. 

Before getting into the exercise, I’m going to share with you the ‘7 Points of a Loving Relationship’ for you to workshop and do some work independently. It’s really important to go through each one of these 7 points to see where a relationship may be lacking. It will also help to identify the areas that are doing really well and then try to create some balance. 

This will really help to evolve your relationships. Especially with ourselves.

7 Points of Loving Relationships

1. Forgiveness

When you come together with anybody else in life, especially a significant individual or partner, there is going to be a lot of forgiveness that is needed.

It’s really important to get clear that without forgiveness, we hold on to things and this is going to lead to suffering and pain.

2. Compassion

Compassion is getting outside, stepping out of your own shoes and really putting ourselves into the shoes of another person. It’s feeling and experiencing, and doing our best to really see where this person is coming from and have compassion for where they are at.

Leading from a place of compassion, I think, can really help us to forgive people when you can feel where they came from and what they’ve experienced, in their experience.

3. Communication

Communication is so important. It’s more than just words. It’s our energy. It’s what we put out to the world. It’s our ability to effectively come together and have courtesy, manners, respect and understanding.

It’s a willingness to listen. To be willing to accept that maybe I’ve done the wrong thing or hurt someone else, or haven’t been communicating at all in the past. Evolving is making the choice to start to communicate in the way this individual needs in order to receive what I’m trying to communicate. Because everyone has different communication skills.

4. Unconditional Love

I believe we are here to learn unconditional love that is not just for our children and pets, but for every human being in our lives. That’s going to take all of us evolving and consciousness to get to that space. But ultimately, we are all worthy of unconditional love because we are all those children, just grown up.

A lot of us have traumas or other experiences that cause us to act out in certain ways, but underneath all those layers is a beautiful soul and a wounded child. If you can see every soul like that, then this will help to develop that compassion, communication and seeking to understand. And ultimately have forgiveness.

5. Encouragement

Really healthy relationships involve people who are constantly encouraging each other. Are you encouraging your partner to be better; with something they aren’t so good at but are wanting to develop? Are you encouraging them to develop constantly, or in a way that is encouraging them to be better humans, even with the small things?

Find the small things that are beautiful and bring them out and recognise them, saying positive things. We’re here to lift each other up, to support each other, as a partnership of growth and sometimes we lose track of this. So it’s very important to encourage ourselves and to encourage others to grow.

6. Commitment

Be really clear about your commitment. Are you committed to your own self, first and foremost, and your continuing growth throughout life?

Many people may need a lot of work, time or even a workshop to find what they are committed to. Are you committed to your physical health? If you are, then it shows. But if you’re not, then you need to assess that and get clear because your ‘physical vehicle’ that you’ve got is what is going to carry you through life.

If your body is unhealthy, inflexible, weak and has many issues, then you’re not going to accomplish your goals, or really help anybody else for that matter. This is because you’ll be constantly focused on your own physical issues.

Commit to yourself. Committing to your physical, mental and emotional health. Committing to loving yourself….whole-heartedly. Then from that space you can truly commit to others and your relationship with your partner. Be real and honest with yourself.

7. Touch

Touch is another really important one. We are human beings, we are meant to connect. Some people have issues with hugging and touching and it’s really important to work through those issues and start to embrace others. It’s important to show affection and be willing to touch.

Touch is healing. I can’t say enough how important this is. You may know that your family love you, but to hear and feel that they do can have a very big impact on how you feel.

Relationships Workshop

This is the exercise I mentioned above for you to do independently. Draw the diagram below and start with writing your name in the center. 

In the first ring around ‘YOU’, write in the closest people to you – the biggest relationships in your life. These will be the ones who are closest to your heart and affect you the most.

Moving to the next ring, add those people who are closest to you in proximity, the people you hang out with, such as friends or family.

In the outer ring, write the other people who are in your life that are outside those you communicate with regularly, such as those in your workplace. 

When thinking of people to add, don’t just focus on the positive relationship, focus on the ones that are closest to you. Then when you step back, you’ll see this is like a big picture of you (see the head, body & limbs?). Now look at it to see if any part of you is bleeding…is there any part of you that has a negative relationship where there is hate or resentment for that person?

If there is, then treat it like a wound. If you were cut and bleeding you would do something about it immediately. Your relationships are that important and they deserve that level of attention.

When we really start to massively evolve in our relationships with ourselves and other, that is when we take the time and commitment to improve these relationships. To find that forgiveness, have that compassion and create a level of communication that we feel good in our own soul about.

I’ve been doing this a long time, and I know all the reasons in the book to have resentment, frustration and hate. I can tell you, as long as those things are there, it’s only hurting you. You have the power to get into a place of compassion and see the bigger picture and to heal.

I hope you go through the ‘7 Points of Loving Relationships’, starting with yourself. Sit down, put on some music… “do I need to forgive myself for anything? Do I have compassion and unconditional love for myself? Do I communicate with myself and come up with the things I need to encourage myself to grow?”

And then go through each one of the relationship in the exercise and write…say what you need to, get it out in letters. Then send the letters or burn the letters.

It’s so important to clear all the past stuff, so we can truly move forward.

Clint Facey

Top Tip from a Tolman Health Coach

“There are only 2 types of relationships in my world:
Empowering or Disempowering. 

Do they help you to get better? Or do they try to bring you down? The choice is yours after those questions.”


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